Cash Confessional

“CASH CONFE$$IONAL”
by Mike Aparicio
August 22, 2011 (Ver. 3)

CAST
PRIEST, 40s
RYAN, 20s
MOTHER, 50s

(A Priest sits in a confession booth. Ryan enters, makes the sign of the cross.)

RYAN

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been two weeks since my last confession.

PRIEST (solemnly)

Well, my son, you are in luck...

(Light's flash and a short, instrumental theme plays.)

PRIEST (TV game show host voice)

...because you're in the Cash Confessional! It's a TV game show that takes place right here in my confession booth!

RYAN

What?! Really??

PRIEST

That's right! So what do you say, do you want to play?

RYAN

Yes! Yes I do!

PRIEST

Great! What's your name?

RYAN

Umm, Ryan Cho.

Alright, Ryan, here's how the game works. For each sin you confess, I'll ask you a trivia question. If you get it right, not only will you be absolved of your sin, but you'll also win some cold, hard cash!

RYAN

Yes, please!

PRIEST

Okay, Ryan. Let's get started. What is your first confession?

RYAN

Oh, uh, last Sunday I skipped mass to watch football.

PRIEST

I see. Well, then this first question should be right up your alley then! Which N.F.L. team has won the most Super Bowls?

RYAN

Oh, uh, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

PRIEST

The is correct! You are absolved of your sin and you just won $50!

RYAN

Yes! Good!

PRIEST

That is good! Alright, Ryan, what is your next confession?

RYAN

Uh... well, I took the Lord's name in vain several times... just today.

PRIEST

I see. Well, any good Catholic should know the answer to this question. What is the chosen name of the current Pope?

RYAN

Oh, jeez. Umm, Pope... Benedict... the... 15th?

PRIEST

No, I'm sorry! It's Benedict the 16th. SIX-teenth.

RYAN

FUCK!

PRIEST

Ok, well... you've got your first strike, two more and you will lose all of your money and burn in hell for all eternity.

RYAN

Wait, what?!

PRIEST

But the good news is these next questions are worth $100 each!

RYAN

Oh! Okay!

PRIEST

But we'll really need to hear some juicier confessions, Ryan. So, what is your next confession?

RYAN

I, uh, I was at work and uh, this female co-worker... I had impure thoughts about her.

PRIEST

Okaaaaay! Ryan, which H.B.O. television series is based on a series of novels by author George R.R. Martin?

RYAN

Oh, that's gotta be Game of Thrones!

PRIEST

I'm afraid that's... CORRECT! $100 plus absolution means you're now up to $150 with just one strike!

RYAN

Yes! Wonderful! I smoked marijuana last Saturday.

PRIEST

Wow, you're really getting the hang of this!

(Organ riff plays)

Oh, that sound means it's time for a BIBLE CHALLENGE! Here's how the Bible Challenge works. It's a multiple answer question and if you get all parts of the answer correct it's worth an additional $500 dollars. There's no penalty for wrong answers, so just call out anything you think might be a part of it until you get all of them right or time runs out. If you miss it, you don't get a strike, you don't lose any money, you just don't get the $500, and you have 30 seconds to answer from the time I finish asking. Are you ready?

RYAN

Yeah, sure! Let's do it!

PRIEST

Ryan... name five of the 10 Commandments.

RYAN

Umm... thou shall not kill?

PRIEST

Yes.

RYAN

Uh... thou shall not steal?

PRIEST

Correct.

RYAN

Do not covet thy neighbor's wife.

PRIEST

Yes.

RYAN

Oh man... uh... something about the Sabbath? Don't... rest? No work?

PRIEST

You'll need to be more specific!

RYAN

You have to go to church?

(buzzer sounds)

PRIEST

Oh, I'm sorry but you're out of time!

RYAN

GOD DAMMIT!!!

PRIEST

It's okay, Ryan. You still have just one strike and $150, okay? So, let's just move on. What's your next confession?

RYAN

I, umm, I pleasured myself... um... several times... just today.

PRIEST

Okay, uhhh... Ryan, what was the cause of death of singer/songwriter Amy Winehouse?

RYAN

Ahhh, can I use my Congregation Shout-out?

PRIEST

Of course!

(Ryan opens the confessional door and addresses the audience.)

RYAN

Does anyone know the cause of death of Amy Winehouse?

(Audience shouts out various answers.)

RYAN

Okay, thank you! (to Priest) I will say... [audience suggestion]?

PRIEST

I'm sorry, the correct answer is God's will. God's will. That's two strikes, Ryan. One more and you'll lose all of your money and one day you'll have a close, intimate relationship with Satan... in the butt. But, hey, these next questions are worth $200 each, but Ryan, seriously, I'm gonna need to hear some reaaaally juicy confessions, okay? I mean, c'mon, everybody masturbates.

RYAN

Okay. Let's see. What else, what else? Well, I got my girlfriend pregnant and convinced her to have an abortion.

PRIEST

Now we're talking! Ryan, which celebrity won the first season of Dancing with the Stars?

RYAN

Ah, can I use my Mobile Shout-Out?

PRIEST

Certainly! Who would you like to call?

RYAN

My mom. It's her favorite show.

PRIEST

Alrighty, Almighty! Let's get Ryan's mother on the phone! Mrs. Cho, your son recently got his girlfriend pregnant and convinced her to have an abortion, and he has a question he'd like to ask you!

MOTHER

What?! Who is this?

RYAN

Mom, who won the first season of Dancing with the Stars?

PRIEST

15 seconds.

MOTHER

Ryan, is this true? You got Stacy pregnant and told her to get an abortion? Do you know that this is murder? You murdered my grandchild!

RYAN

Mom! It's your favorite show!

MOTHER

Wait until I tell your father about this!

RYAN

Mom! There's money! Mom!

(phone clicks)

PRIEST

Did your mother just hang up on you?

RYAN

Yeah.

PRIEST

Well, I'm going to need an answer.

RYAN

I... I don't know. Flava Flav?

PRIEST

Oh! So sorry. The correct answer is Kelly Monaco. Kelly Monaco. Ryan, that's your third strike, you've forfeited all of your money and any chance you had of getting into heaven... but thanks for playing Cash Confessional. Good night, everybody!

(Blackout.)