Color Me Badd
This is probably my favorite sketch I wrote at Second City that we didn't put up in front of an audience. The director just didn't get it. He was more of a Jimmy Buffet guy, I guess. Disclaimer: to my knowledge none of the former members of Color Me Badd are homeless, criminals or drug addicts. But their sweet, sweet music IS infectious.
“COLOR ME BADD”
by Mike Aparicio
October 31, 2011 (Ver. 1)
CAST
BRYAN ADAMS, former lead singer of CMB, now homeless, 42
DIANE, homeless lady, 62
KEN, corporate douche, 48
KELLY, college student, 22
MARCI, supermodel, 26
SAM WATTERS, former member of CMB, music producer, 41
(A street corner. BRYAN and DIANE are sitting on the ground.)
BRYAN
The year was 1991. We were sitting on top of the world. We had a hit song that was number two on the charts. You might have heard it in the movie New Jack City. A little ditty called I Wanna Sex You Up?
DIANE
So your band was called New Jack City?
BRYAN
No! We were called Color Me Badd. That's “bad” with two D's! So anyway, we followed that up with the number one hit, I Adore Mi Amor. It was hot! After that, All 4 Love. That's: All, the number four, Love. Boom. Number one on the charts, baby.
(Ken approaches.)
BRYAN (cont.)
Spare anything, mister?
KEN
Get a job, you dirty hobos!
DIANE (to Ken)
Say, don't you know who this is? This guy wants to sex you up!
KEN
What in the hell are you talking about?
BRYAN
What she means is, I used to be in a popular R&B band in the 90's. Maybe you heard of Color Me Badd? That's “bad” with two D's.
KEN
What? No! Who cares?!
BRYAN (sings I Wanna Sex You Up)
Girl, you make me feel real good. We can do it 'til we both wake up! Girl, you know I'm hooked on you. And this is what I'll do-hoo-ooo!
KEN
Dear God, here's a dollar. Get away from me!
(Ken leaves.)
BRYAN
Thanks, mister!
DIANE
Nice. So what happened next?
BRYAN
Well, we were living large. We were on tour, banging groupies every night, and doing so much blow, you wouldn't believe it.
DIANE
God, I miss blow.
BRYAN
Me too, Diane. Me too. So we followed up our first album, C.M.B., with Time and Chance in '93. We had four top 100 hits, but none of them cracked the top 20.
(Kelly approaches.)
DIANE
Spare some change, lady?
KELLY (to Bryan)
Hey. Don't I know you from somewhere?
BRYAN
It's possible. I used to be kinda famous.
KELLY
Oh. My. God. It's you! You're Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite!
BRYAN
What? No! I was the lead singer of a little band called Color Me Badd. Maybe you heard of us? That's “bad” with two D's.
KELLY
Uh, no. That sounds totally lame.
BRYAN
Does THIS sound lame? (sings All 4 One)
I'm so glad you're my girl, I'll do anything for you. Call you every night and give you flowers too. I thank the Lord for you and think about you all the time. I ask him every day that you'll forever be mine.
KELLY
Oh my God, stop. Here's a dollar. Shut up already!
(Kelly leaves.)
BRYAN
Thank you! Bless your heart.
DIANE
Wow, we're just raking it in today! You should think about getting back into singing.
BRYAN
Nah. I left that life behind. No one cares about the soulful sounds of Color Me Badd anymore.
DIANE
What happened? How'd it all end?
BRYAN
Well, we released our next album, Now and Forever, in '96. Babyface, Jon B. and Boyz II Men all produced tracks for us. But we only had one song crack the top 20. And Sexual Capacity peaked at number 56.
DIANE
My sexual capacity also peaked at 56.
BRYAN
We put out one more album that no one ever heard of, called Awakening. That was 1998. It was a total flop. The label didn't renew our deal and we all went our separate ways. With no income to fuel my raging coke addiction, I turned to a life of crime and ended up here on the street.
DIANE
What a shame.
(Sam approaches with Marci on his arm.)
BRYAN
Help the homeless, mister?
SAM
Sure, why not?
MARCI
Eww, don't give him money. He's just going to spend it on booze or drugs or something.
SAM
Marci, we have to help those less fortunate than us. Here you go, buddy.
BRYAN
Thanks! Hey, let me sing a little something for ya. (sings I Adore Mi Amor)
Dream on, dream away...
(Sam sings along in perfect harmony.)
SAM & BRYAN
I think I'm gonna have to stay... stay forever.
SAM
Oh my God, Bryan? Is that you?
BRYAN
Sam? Wow, man! You're doing alright for yourself.
MARCI & DIANE
You know this guy?
SAM
Bryan here used to be in a band with me. Maybe you heard of Color Me Badd? That's “bad” with two D's.
MARCI
No. That sounds stupid. Can we go now?
SAM
In a minute, baby.
BRYAN
So what are you up to these days?
SAM
I'm a music producer. I produce a lot of stuff for American Idol contestants. Say, man, you've still got the goods. You interested in making a comeback?
BRYAN
I don't know, man...
SAM
I've got all sorts of coke back at the studio...
BRYAN
I'm in!
SAM (singing Sexual Capacity)
Now we can get sexual...
BRYAN (singing)
Girl, I wanna be down every day and night.
SAM (singing)
Now we can get sexual...
BRYAN (singing)
Just as long as you know my sexual capacity!
(They high five.)
(Blackout.)